|
What Not to Say
For those who don't know what to say...
PLEASE, don't ask me if I'm over it yet.
I'll never be over it.
PLEASE, don't tell me they're in a better place.
They aren't here with me now.
PLEASE, don't say at least they're not suffering.
I haven't come to terms with why they had to suffer at all.
PLEASE, don't tell me you know how I feel,
Unless you have lost a loved one this way.
PLEASE, don't ask me if I feel better.
Traumatic loss isn't a condition that clears up.
PLEASE, don't tell me at least you had them for so many years.
What year would you choose for your loved one to die?
PLEASE, don't tell me God never gives us more than we can bear.
PLEASE, just say you regret what has happened to us.
PLEASE, just say you remember our loved one, if you do.
PLEASE, just let me talk about them.
PLEASE, mention my loved one's name.
PLEASE, just let men cry.
from a poem by Rita Moran
Compassionate Friends Fort Lauderdale Newsletter
Adapted for you by Connie Saindon, MA;
DO’S AND DON’TS FOR FAMILY, FRIENDS AND PROFESSIONAL
PEOPLE
DO’S |
DON’TS |
| . |
|
Do let your genuine
concern and caring show. |
Don’t let your own sense
of helplessness keep you from reaching out to a bereaved friend
or relative. |
| . |
|
Do be available
to listen, to help with the other children, or whatever else
seems needed at the time. |
Don’t avoid them because you are uncomfortable
(being avoided adds pain to an already intolerably painful experience). |
| . |
|
Do say you are
sorry about what happened to their loved one and about their
pain. |
Don’t say you know how
they feel. Even if you have lost someone yourself, everyone
experiences a loss a little differently. It’s better to
say, " can only imagine what you must be going through." |
| . |
|
Do allow them
to express as much grief as they are feeling at the moment and
are willing to share. |
Don’t say, "you
ought to be feeling better by now" or anything else which
implies a judgment about their feelings. |
| . |
|
Do encourage
them to be patient with themselves, not to expect too much of
themselves and not to impose any "shoulds" on themselves. |
Don’t tell them what
they should feel or do. |
| . |
|
Do allow them
to talk about the special and endearing qualities of the loved
one they lost. |
Don’t change the subject
when they mention their loved one or avoid mentioning their
name out of fear of reminding them of their pain. |
| . |
|
Do give special
attention to the family’s children at the funeral and in
the months to come (they too are hurt and confused and in need
of attention which their parents may not be able to give at
this time). |
Don’t try to find something
positive (i.e. a moral lesson, closer family ties, etc.) about
the death. |
| . |
|
Do reassure them
that they did everything that they could, that the medical care
their child received was the best or whatever else you know
to be true and positive about the care given their child. |
Don’t point out that
at least they have their other children (children are not interchangeable;
they cannot replace each other). |
| . |
|
|
Don’t say that they
can always have another child (even if they wanted to, and could,
another child would not replace the one they’ve lost). |
| . |
|
|
Don’t make any comments
which in any way suggest that the care at home, in the emergency
room, hospital or wherever, was inadequate (parents are plagued
by feelings of doubt and guilt without the help from their
family and friends). |
|
