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Johnny
Johnny was full of life. He was your typical 16 year old. He worried about his looks, he was in love with a beautiful young girl and he couldn't wait to get his first car. He ate like there was no tomorrow but, somehow he never gained weight. Baseball kept him in shape. Johnny was a future professional baseball player. He began playing at the age of five and at 16 he was on the All Star team for his division.
I remember that he used to tell his mom "Mom when I grow up I'm gonna be a millionaire and take care of you." Mom used to say; "Yea right, you're gonna fall in love, get married and move on with your own life. That's the way it has to be." "No mom, I'm never gonna get married." As you can image his response to that changed over the years. "Okay mom I am gonna get married but I'm still gonna take care of you and the girl that I marry is going to have to understand that." Johnny was my baby brother, my only brother, my life. He was born into a family of five sisters. My mom says that she waited 16 years for him and she only had 16 years with him. Johnny was murdered on May 7, 1997.
Burying him was the hardest thing my family has ever had to do. It was even harder than enduring months of trial proceedings and of standing in front of his murderers while their families gave us dirty looks. Somehow, it was our fault that their sons were on trial. I wished that they could feel what we were going through but, then again I didn't, because the pain was and still is so difficult that I wouldn't wish it on anyone. After all of this they were only sentenced to 7 years in prison.
I'm not sure how I made it through everything. I was pregnant during the trial period with my second son which I named Johnny, who was born two weeks before the sentencing trial. Honestly, it was my boys who made me get through it. I knew that if I wasn't a good mom to them that somehow Johnny would let me know. So, I learned to be strong in front my kids and not cry. I learned to be strong in front of my mom and not cry. I learned to be strong in front of my dad and not cry. I learned to be strong in front of my sisters and not cry.
It was when I started the therapy group with Survivors that I finally was able to cry all I wanted. The group is the one place where I can go to to open up and talk about my feelings. These people truly understood me and were willing to listen. Through the group I have learned that my feelings and emotions are normal. I learned to bring meaning back to my life and I learned to disengage my self from the awful memories of Johnny's death and remember him as the happy go lucky youth that he was. I can truly say that I have a Guardian Angel watching over me!
Ana
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