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The Homicide Diet
When you've tried everything, and nothing has worked,
this diet is 95% guaranteed. However, there is no money-back guarantee
because the diet is totally FREE to any unsuspecting co-victim!
Any family member may start this diet at any time. The ideal time
would be just before bathing suit season (March is a good month,
as the photos of rail-thin models in bikinis are just beginning
to grace the pages of fashion magazines.) If you follow the diet
religiously (if you still have any religion to believe in) by June,
you can lose a good 20+ pounds. Keep in mind that results may vary
from person to person due to grieving and mourning differences.
It must be stressed that this is a no fad diet. Given the number
of people killed every day, it looks like this diet is here to stay!
Actually, the Homicide Diet has been around for awhile (longer than
we like to think), but has never been recognized as an official
weight-loss program. Along with all the other needed changes and
additions to various laws, with your help, maybe this diet can become
official in the near future.
Here are some suggested guidelines (and remember everyone
is different, so don't feel that you must follow them exactly or
that the sequence will be the same for everyone):
1. When taking
anti-depressants, sleeping pills and tranquilizers in order to survive
each day, your appetite - if you even have one - will probably be
non-existent. Although, it isn't necessary to take drugs to lose
your desire to eat. It just happens naturally (lucky you!). You
will also have no energy to eat, as it will take everything you
have inside just to make it from moment to moment.
2. If you do
happen to have even a fleeting feeling of hunger, it probably won't
last. This is good, as any food put in front of you will most likely
make you want to vomit. Of course, if you do actually vomit, this
is even better, as then there are no added calories to worry about.
3. If you do manage to eat a few bites, don't worry that you've
gone off your diet and punish yourself needlessly. You've been punished
enough. Those three or four bites will last at least a week. This
also helps by taking the difficulty out of determining correct portion
size. (No weighing of food on that ridiculous scale is involved.)
4. Not to worry, because by the time you decide to eat again (don't
fret about how much time has gone by, because you won't be able
to figure it out, and you certainly don't need one more thing to
agonize over!) steps two and three will happen all over again.
5.
This diet is so easy, due to the fact that you may be in a rather
zombie-like state for quite awhile, reliving the above steps repeatedly.
But, don't panic, this non-functional, almost-catatonic-state is
quite normal, even though you think you've lost your mind. Just
remember...it's not your mind you've lost, just your child, father,
mother, sister, brother, wife, husband, aunt, uncle or whomever
it was that was murdered. But, of course, you can console yourself
with the fact that, yes, you've lost a beloved family member, but
you are also losing weight! And, after all, isn't that the goal.
6. This diet is much easier than following a protein diet, a carbohydrate
diet, a sugar busters diet, etc., as some days - if you have the
strength to open the box and you can remember where it is - you
may only eat 3 or 4 malted milk balls for breakfast, lunch and dinner.
(Refer to steps 2 and 3 again.) The diet requires no mixing of anything
(which is good, since you have no energy or desire to turn on the
cuisinart) or looking at charts to figure out the difference between
a protein and a carbohydrate.
7. Stomach aches and constipation
may present problems, but again, don't panic, every part of your
body has shut down, so why not your stomach and intestines, too!
It just adds to your lack of desire to eat, which is a basic theory
of this diet. This can be a problem, however, as a bloated belly
tends to make you look like you've gained weight, when you really
haven't. Keep in mind that you're right on track, and don't give
up. (This advice also pertains to when you feel like you don't want
to live another moment and are seriously considering killing yourself.)
I promise you that the weight will fall off!
8. As your diet progresses,
your wardrobe can be either a problem or not, depending on how you
look at it. Remember...attitude is everything! When people look at
you and ask if your belt is too big - "My God! It could go around
you twice!" - it may be quite flattering and reassuring to know
you are meeting your objectives. Or, you face the possibility of
declaring bankruptcy because you've spent so much money on a new
wardrobe because nothing fits. This also could cause overcrowded
closets. You may have to make a decision (hopefully not) as to whether
or not to give away your old clothes. Of course, this is hard to
do, as you never know if you'll ever be back to your pre-homicide
weight and should save them. And, debtor's prison could be quite
attractive. What else could possibly happen to you any more horrible?
Additionally, if your murdered loved-one's clothes, shoes and other
doo-dads have been sent back to you, there is always the dilemma
as to where to store them. If you're like me, you've made room in
a closet in the spare bedroom for all those things. This further
complicates the situation. But again, by moving everything around
constantly, you may even lose more weight. You're that much closer
to your goal! See what I mean about attitude?!
9. When, and if,
you manage to go out to dinner with friends after awhile, there
may be considerable guilt on their part. This happens because you
are sitting with a salad in front of you, only eating a few bites,
if that. They have just finished a four-course dinner. They feel
guilty (and maybe a little envious) because you're not eating, and
they have just pigged-out. They are also trying to cheer you up,
which is a fruitless effort. They may also feel very fat and concerned
that they have gone off their diet, which is, of course, totally
inferior to yours. The way around this issue is to remind them why
you started dieting in the first place. Hopefully, that will work
and not cause more guilt on their part! But, then again, that rather
disturbing revelation may contribute further to their guilt, and
they really won't know what to do or say.
10. Again, remember that
results may vary from person to person. Some mourners may actually
gain weight. As the shock of trying desperately to cope with the
murder of a loved one begins to wear off and the reality starts
to set in, food may be the only thing that provides an inkling of
comfort. Of course, if this happens, go for it! Moments (or seconds)
of comfort (if you are lucky enough to have any) are usually not
maintained for very long.
Cory's devastated mom
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